I take full responsibility for everything about me that can't reasonably be blamed on my parents.

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Born fifth, the youngest son of a typical suburban New York family, I spent my early childhood as many American children did—reading comic books and watching network television.

This intellectually bankrupt background led to impressive social dysfunction and middling academic achievement, despite being constantly reminded of my supposed "above-average intelligence" by my unmotivating teachers ("He's obviously bright, he just doesn't apply himself").

My resulting academic record is a testament to both my gnat-like attention span and intense disappointment in traditional education methodology. Either that, or my inherent laziness (it's too much work to remember).

During my school daze there were, however, some bright spots. In the sixth grade, I drew the best Snoopy® in my elementary school and won a ceramic Linus® piggy bank, for example.

Yet after years of unsuccessfully surpassing that achievement, I gave up trying to do anything truly meaningful with my life and went into advertising.

This, I now, and still, do.

Career-wise, I've more than exceeded the legal limit of success for a person of my highly questionable talent and/or skills.

So much so, in fact, that I constantly expect my beautiful spouse and worldly possessions to be repossessed at any moment by a Washington bureaucrat and my High School guidance counselor (who only came along to gloat "I told you you'd never amount to anything!").

As for personal interests, I include among them watching any Matt Groening TV show, whining about petty annoyances (see My Rants) and using my Apple Macintosh to express my writing, music, web design bents (as well as alienate my wife).

For fun, I like to travel with said spouse and write long-winded articles about the trip, mostly for my own golden-years recollection, but also for the vast sea of bored English-reading citizens of the world who should seriously think about getting outside more.